I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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