I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
