Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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