i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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