so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
