Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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