thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
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