someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
