She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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