My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
This baby is an asshole
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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