either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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