I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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