Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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