He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
