Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
