I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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