we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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