My liver just broke up with me...
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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