Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
