Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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