To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
