he puts the penis in happiness.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Did I show you my penis last night?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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