i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
