so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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