Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
