seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
