Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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