it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
