is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
