I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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