I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
