Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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