his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
