i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
