apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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