this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
