new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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