I heard we made out
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You have to summon your inner elephant
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
