For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
