I'm lost and stupid without you.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
