Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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