And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Randomize
