I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize