the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
