Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
