:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
