I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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