I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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