You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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