I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
