I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
