today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
