Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Im just a social blackout drinker.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
