It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
